Blogging Challenge, Day 6, What am I afraid of?

UnknownI am afraid of drowning.  No joke it terrifies me.  I know how to swim, and I am a strong swimmer but I have asthma so I have a HUGE knowledge of what it feels like to not be able to breathe.   I am the worst when my kids are around water.  There are six of them and only one of me.  I will never forget when I went to Florida for a family vacation and from the airport to Clearwater where we had family you have to drive over this HUGE bridge.  I remember having my first panic attack.  No joke.  Full fledge panic.  I couldn’t breathe  I started unbuckling my kids’ car seats. My ex-husband looked at me like I was crazy.  There were four adults in the car.  I assigned every adult on child they had to save if something happened.  I know you are probably rolling your eyes but I am THAT terrified.   I knew if our car ended up in the water you can’t UNBUCKLE your kids, save them and yourself.  I had them all unbuckled, (which is probably more dangerous, the likeliness of an accident is more likely).   Regardless it was a side that none of my family had ever seen.  When the bridge passed and solid land formed I lost it.  I buckled my kids in hysterics.   I clearly remember shaking so bad I couldn’t latch the buckles easily.

So I am scared of drowning but I am scared of my children drowning.   I’ve made sure I put them in swim lessons.  I wonder often what caused this.  I pulled a little boy out of a swimming pool that nearly drown when I was 15.  I watched all these adults sitting back and laughing and drinking and socializing and having a good time and I watched this little boy fall into the pool.  No one noticed.  Not only did I see it but I saw the fear in his eyes and he sunk.  Instinct kicked in and I just jumped in after him.  The next thing I realize I had him to the side of the pool and chaos started.  What if I wasn’t looking?  What if I too was so caught up in myself?   I’ve always been such a worrier.  I am not a paranoid, stressed out parent.  I am however a FREAK around water.

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Blogging Challenge, Day 5, My proudest moment.

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My proudest moment.  We all have a lot of them don’t we?  When our babies are born comes to mind as a big one.  However I am a mom to five kiddos and one step kiddo so that is a lot of proud moments.  When we graduate high school or college.  When we buy our first home.  When we buy that first new car right off the lot brand new.  You are deep down a little proud of yourself.  You’ve worked hard to get there.  My proudest moment is a little different.

I had my first daughter when I was 17.  Wait!  What?!?!  Yes.  17.  My mom joked all the time when I was growing up that I always wanted to be older.   I was always playing house and wearing her heals.  I am not going to lie.  I knew what I wanted VERY early.  I knew I wanted the husband, and the house and the kids.  I knew, (mainly because my mom worked ALL. THE. TIME. that I wanted to be an ‘at home mom’.    This is not to bash my mom, because she is a great mom and she taught me to be a hard worker but I recall her working a lot.  I understand as an adult her working a lot because I’m, (again), not going to lie, we had a pretty nice childhood.  We had it made.  My dad and mom are to this day still married.  He was a police officer and my mom sold Cadillacs.   We had nice clothes, our own rooms in a nice home, our own phone lines in our rooms, TV’s and yes, our own first cars bought to us by our parents.   I think all three of us, my sister, brother and myself did a good job to know we had it easy and we didn’t let it go to our heads.  We were also raised to volunteer,  give to the needy, feed the homeless.  We were made to see first hand that there are others not as fortunate and it was our job, (the job of those with more), to give and donate both their time and compassion.   So you are probably wondering where this post is going.

A mom at 17.  Married at 17.  To a 27 year old.   Wow right?  I know.  With a dad who was a cop right?  Yeah I know.  I am pretty sure *at first* my dad didn’t KNOW my first husbands true age.  Any way long story short..  I stayed married to him for ten years.  I gave it my all.  I tried hard. He was a hard worker, I’ll give him that.  He got up and went to work every single day.  He grew up not having as much money as my family and his brothers and him grew up without their dad.   One day out of no where, and I can’t even put my finger on what happened.  Things turned.  Went downhill and went downhill fast.   He started drinking.  A LOT.  And when he was drunk he was MEAN.  I knew from growing up and being taught self respect,  that I deserved better.  Self worth was taught well in our house.  Although so was forgiveness and trying to help someone.  So I went to counseling, begged him to go.  He would do this cycle, I called it the alcoholic circle.  He’d be nice, loving, distant, drink, drink, denial, drink, mean, hurtful, hateful, apologetic, helpful, kind, nice…  and it would start all over.  I got so tired of the routine.  I could tell you when the stages would occur.  I got tired of getting my babies up at two in the morning to go out and find him.   I was probably 25 at the peak of it being the worst.  I realized I was having WAY more bad marriage days than good.  I realized my ‘babies’, (all three of them) were getting older and pretty soon it wasn’t going to seem as though we were just going to ‘pick up daddy at work because his car wasn’t working’.   One night was my last straw.  One night he called me at 2 in the morning that he needed me to come get him and I couldn’t do it anymore.  He told me he was at C-470 and C-470.  When I questioned him because he said the same highway twice, he screamed at me to know my place and not to question him.   That was it.  I knew I’d tried and I knew I was done.  I told him I’d be right there and I hung up.  I called his brother and informed him his brother was drunk and needed to be picked up.  I told him to call him on his cell and figure it out because I wasn’t going.  About an hour later I watched from the bedroom window a almost 40 year old man carry his younger brother into a house because he couldn’t even walk.  This is not what I wanted for my kids.  I didn’t want my son to learn he could treat a woman this way and I didn’t want my daughters to learn that this is how men act and treat you.  My mind was made up.  The bad days far out weighed the good and my kids were most important.  I knew the next weekend his brother and him had a mountain biking competition in the mountains.  I set up a uhal. I found a house.  I moved out.  He came home to a FAIR wife leaving him half of everything.  The house was his grandmothers, and we bought it when she went into assisted living, I wasn’t about to be that wife and go for the house because I respect things being in the family.  He could have the house I was drowning in my suffocating marriage.  I was a childcare provider, (meeting my goal of being a stay at home mom for my kids but realistically making money to survive).  I knew I made good money.  I knew with a budget and a plan and not spending I’d be fine.  I did awesome.  There was one day however when my dad came up to me after dinner one night and we were outside on the patio.  He put his arm around me and said, “I have to tell you something.  When you left your husband, your mom and I thought for sure you’d be living in our basement.  Not from not working but being that you have three kids.  It is HARD to be a single parent, especially to three kids.  I am really, really proud of you.  You moved out at 17.  Bought a car, bought a house, had three great kids, tried to make a marriage work, realized it wasn’t and instead of staying in a bad relationship, you stood up and did the right thing, for both you and the kids.  You got a place, you finance well.  You are doing a really good job and I am proud of you.”

I was proud.  I made my dad proud, and he made me realize just how hard I had worked and it was pretty impressive.

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Blogging Challenge day 4, My Dream Job…

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Yes!  I’d love to be a commercial pilot.  Why explain?  That is just what I would love to do.  I have always been fascinated with jets and airplanes.  You don’t see many women pilots.   I mean the stories of the great female pilots of the past stand out in stories such as this:

Great Story mentioning past women pilots!

And then there are the stories that drive me crazy that I can’t stand to read such as this:

UNREAL CLOSED MINDED PEOPLE

It shouldn’t matter if you are male or female.

Jerks.

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Day 2, Blogging Challenge, 20 things about me…

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1.  My favorite book is The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan.  It was a GREAT book!  It reminded me a lot about my family. Here is what the Middle Place is about:

2.  I have written a book that a New York Publisher actually is proof reading right now.

3. I don’t like sweets very much.  I would be fine if I never had candy or dessert.

4. I love red wine.  My favorite wine is a wine called Clayhouse Adobe Red.  But just like number 3, I don’t like white wine because *usually* it is WAY too sweet.

5. I am almost 40 and LOVE the Twilight movies.   I am excited for the Fifty Shades of Grey movies to come out also.

6. My favorite TV show is Parenthood.

7. I love a HUGE variety of music.  Chicago, Tim McGraw, Michael Bublé, Matt Nathanson…   Other than heavy metal I like just about anything.  I love old music too like Frank Sinatra.

8. The color yellow makes me think of my grandma.

9.  My favorite feeling is getting into a just made bed.  Tight, soft, crisp, clean sheets.

10.  My favorite smell is fresh cut grass.  It makes me think of my dad cutting the grass when I was a kid.

11. It is almost impossible for me NOT to dance when a really good song comes on.

12. The best sound in the world is a child laughing.

13. Repetitive sounds like tapping or a dog barking get on my nerves faster than anything.

14. I hold grudges.  It takes me a long time to forgive people when I am mad at them.

15. I have a horrible memory.  When people say “Remember that one time when….” most times I won’t.  LOL.

16.  I have a total of four blogs.

17. I am not an animal person.

18. I suffer from severe migraines. My first migraine I was 12.  Both my 17 year old son and 5 year old son have been diagnosed with migraines too.

19.  I am addicted to my phone.  I have it all the time.

20.  I am on Facebook 24/7.  Because I work all day, everyday with kids and have so many kids, I think Facebook is my adult conversation lol!

I’m going to try this. I have a quiet day though… I might do more than one!

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Day 1.  My blogs name.

Simply Not That Simple.

What does it mean?  Nothing in life is as simple as it looks.  Ever.  Right?  Even something as *simple* as tying your shoe… at one point in your life, (as it is right now in my five year old son’s life),  was NOT simple.  He sits there and tries and tries.   He will start over with the bunny ears five times and each time on that famous last step pull through the whole thing either A. falls apart or he pulls too far and the one side pulls all the way through and you are at step one.  Often I will be sitting there holding my breath watching him praying he gets it A. for his self esteem and B. for my reasons of needing to be somewhere.  That sounds bad but I have tried to slow down and understand that him tying his shoe so focused with his tongue hanging out like my dad will only last a few more weeks, then he will have it mastered!  Then what?  What is the next hard thing to do?

I think I came up with the name of my blog because something that seems so simple to you, might be the hardest thing in the world for me.   Nothing is as simple as it seems.  And as far as my blog goes, my life hasn’t been very simple lately.  I’m not complaining, it could always be worse, but my health and my miscarriage in July have made this year a little tough.  My husband and I thought we were done with kids and I got pregnant, lost that baby between 4 and 5 months along.  I don’t know that I have bounced back yet… maybe you don’t ever.  It has gotten easier for sure but it opened my eyes to how fast my kids were growing and how it doesn’t take them long to know how to tie their shoes and not need your help anymore.   It has caused me to go back and forth a million times as to if we are going to try again.  We have a ton of kids now but if you know me I’d have a million children if I could afford it.  I adore being a mom more than anything in the world.   Crazy talk I say!  Crazy.   I’ve kind of gotten off subject here, however there isn’t a real reason my blog is named what it is.   Its just saying sometimes life simply isn’t as simple as it looks and to slow down, be there, offer help, be kind and absorb everything you see.

 

I just started this blog…

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Stick with me.  Hit follow, I promise to be interesting lol well, most of the time anyway.  I’ve already posted my first post, its just below this.  Let me know what you think.  I do have another blog which I’m surprised has done as well as it has.  I just feel that I have taken a turn in life not bad or good, just a new direction and I want to start fresh.  A new, clean, sharp piece of paper.  Here we go!  All aboard!